Review: People that drive slow

We've all been there. You're running late for class or work or a booty call. You're in a hurry. You've got the pedal to the metal. You're zipping past everyone on the road like a bat out of hell. Your 4-bangers purring like a lion as the cool breeze blows your hair back and cigarette crackles as you suck it down like James Dean. All of a sudden, the road condenses into one lane. Alright. That's cool. You'll just pass everyone at once like a boss. Wrong. It's a curving, winding road. There's no where to go. Then you come up behind someone with a state bird on their license plate and a sticker that says "BARACK OBAMA IS A TERRORIST". Oh fuck. OH FUCK. "What the fuck is this?" you think to yourself as Tom Petty is singing to you about base jumping or some bitch that broke your heart a couple months ago but you can't forget (mainly because she gave you the clap). You're not in the mood. You're mad as hell. You're not gonna take it anymore. So you pump up the stereo, comb your hair in the mirror and rip those RPMs into the red as you whip your car around this dirty asshole. You're free. You're a master of karate. No one can touch you. Your dick is gonna be dripping wet and/or you won't fail your class you never go to. This is the best day of your life. Then all of a sudden, cherry tops burn a hole in your eyes. Reckless driving is all up in your ass. And Johnny Law understands. He's been there. He knows what's up. That doesn't change the fact he's a total cockgobbler and gives you a $250 ticket and a court date, that'll probably be on a day where you have important stuff to do. Like get laid or something.

And all of this because someone was driving slow. Like a dick. In this world, there's no place for such behavior and it should be punishable by shackling/ tar and feathering. Whatever medieval bullshit you can think of. Why would there ever have to be a minimum speed limit? Who goes 45 on a state highway? Let's examine the possible reasons for a moment:

They're scared. 

Of what? Maybe of getting in an accident. Maybe of getting pulled over (like that phenomenon where everyone decides they have to go 10 under the speed limit when they pass a cop THAT ALREADY HAS SOMEONE PULLED OVER).  Maybe they've been brainwashed by shitty drivers ed text books. Maybe they're just pussies.

They're old

Maybe they don't have the strength to push the pedal down to the 65 MPH range. I don't know. I don't have a saggy nutsack or dentures. Maybe they can't see that their speedometer says 20 when they're in 45 zone. Maybe they fucking suck ass.

(Ed. Note: I would totally party with her)

They just got their license and they're driving with their parents. 

Once again, pussies. If your parents are nagging you about the speed limit, there are simple solutions. A.) Punch them in their stupid, grown-up faces. B.) Push them out of the moving vehicle. Then drive like a normal person.

According to Yahoo answers, there's another reason.

So there that is.

In general, these people are all shitty human beings with no place in a world that moves fast and without regard for how big of a pile of shit you are. How do you deal with them? I remember seeing a video in driver's ed about a guy (if memory serves, he was a priest lolz) who shot a person with a crossbow for cutting him off. Try that. Or just spit out your window and hope it lands on their windshield while you're showing them your nuts. I understand the logistics of that are pretty hard to pull off. Where there's a will, there's a way, friends.

Overall, I give slow drivers a 3 out of 10. You might think they deserve worse but I'd argue you're wrong. Why? Because given your will to succeed and determination, you could shoot them with crossbows and not feel that terrible about it. That's why.

My name's Alex. I am a student of Le Film in Chicago. I write stuff. I make stuff. I shred at guitar. My opinion is valuable. I want to share it with all you fine, beautiful people.

This is your lucky opportunity to delve into deep, critical issues and things we experience every day. Or perhaps that we SHOULD experience every day. Or may never experience but need to prepare for just in case. Like butt sex.